Poorly Prepared Beef

Last night I ate a deluxe burger at The Burger Hut with fries. The
burger had an egg on it and there were supposed to be herbs and spices
but I did not taste any. The fries were extremely salty. I left the
restaurant feeling thick and disturbed. I then began to drink
Carlsberg beer at Peijman’s house and eventually I went to the Duchess
Tavern where I drank a pint of Alaskan Amber and a pint of the Black
Butte Porter. I ate some of Stoney’s fries and then left the tavern
for Stoney’s house where I drank a whiskey and coke and ate Annie’s
pasta with cheddar. I fell asleep on the couch downstairs quite
bloated. My flatulence was remarkably potent—a rather new order which
may be attributed to the combination of egg and poorly prepared beef.

This morning, promptly after arriving home, I defecated in the
basement toilet, my usual spot. The feces was somewhat solid and felt
uncomfortable making its exit. I still feel thick and partially
disabled from last night’s gustatory adventures. After relieving
myself I walked upstairs and prepared a pita for myself with homos,
garlic sauce, some crumbled feta and spicy mango chutney. I ate
strawberries on the side and drank lemonade while smearing the bowl of
my smoking pipe with honey.

My anus has been unusually itchy for the past week. I have attributed
it to minor hemorrhoids which in all likelihood manifest themselves in
response to the strain of screaming for 45 minutes into a microphone
during Peijman’s shows. Yesterday I noticed a strange numbness in my
heel which I have not felt before, but it disappeared quickly. My gut
has felt heavily weighed down for most of the morning and yesterday,
and my skin feels exposed and also dry. I continue to experience
stiffness in my right pointer and middle fingers from the bout with
drunkenness last spring. Something must be done about this.